#18: Mom Rage is Real: What to Do Before You Hulk Out
Understanding the Roots of Mom Anger and How to Process It Healthily
The Rage Nobody Talks About (But Every Mom Feels)
You’re holding a screaming baby, your toddler just dumped yogurt on the couch, your partner is in the bathroom like it's a damn spa retreat—and suddenly you feel it. The heat in your chest. The urge to scream. The vision is going slightly blurry. That, my love, is mom rage. And no, you’re not broken. You’re not a bad mom. You’re a human being with a nervous system on red alert, doing the emotional labor of a small army. Mom rage can look different in everyone but we all feel it at one point or another.
I feel like this is one of the side effects of motherhood no one tells you about. How you can be trying to meditate, do your breath work, take it one day at a time but nothing seems to stop the rage building up in yourself. You have to do everything, make appointments, go to school meetings, remember to pack extra diapers for your baby daddy in the diaper bag, battle what you’re kids will actually eat for dinner, laundry, dishes, clean, bath, and the list literally could go on a mile longer. No wonder we end up snapping and becoming a “bitch” when we finally had enough and can’t physically, emotionally or mentally keep the rage under the surface any longer. And then, the fucking guilt comes out and you feel like a POS for exploding on everyone even though we have full right too since we’re the ones who do every single thing 99% of the time. It’s a lot and it’s not fair to our family, our friends and especially us for feeling this way.
So let’s unpack what’s really behind the curtain of that rage—and how to process it before you go full She-Hulk on your little crotch goblins.
1. The Root of the Rage: It’s Not Just the Spilled Milk
Why We’re So Damn Angry Sometimes (According to Science and Sanity)
You’re not just mad your toddler won’t put on pants. You’re mad because:
You haven’t had a full night of sleep since Lizzo dropped About Damn Time
You’re carrying invisible emotional labor
You’re on autopilot but not in a good way
You’ve been suppressing emotions so long they’re boiling over
What’s happening in your brain: When your kid asks for the blue cup and then screams because you gave them the blue cup, your amygdala lights up like it’s in a Fast & Furious car chase. Meanwhile, your prefrontal cortex (the chill, rational part) is like, "I didn't sign up for this." Chronic stress rewires your brain. The fight-or-flight system goes full gladiator mode, even if the only enemy is a spilled juice box.
3 Actionable Tips:
Name It to Tame It: Label the emotion underneath the rage. Is it exhaustion? Helplessness? Resentment? Studies show naming emotions reduces their intensity (thanks, neuroscience).
Track Your Triggers: Start a “rage journal.” Just a quick note when you feel it bubble. You’ll start seeing patterns—like how every time you skip lunch, bedtime becomes a warzone.
Don’t Gaslight Yourself: Validate your anger. Suppressing it only makes it bigger. You’re allowed to be mad about the 700th request for a snack. That’s not petty—it’s chronic overstimulation.
2. Your Brain on Mom Life: The Overstimulated, Under-Supported Mess
What happens to a mom that can’t get a break?
Mom rage is often a sign of nervous system dysregulation, not poor character. When your stress response is stuck in “fight,” even a Cheerio stuck to your butt can send you spiraling. It’s normal to have daily stresses but it’s not when the smallest of things can set you off and all of a sudden you want to chuck a damn chair through a window.
When you’re living through a motherhood multi-tasking circus, three major things are happening in your brain:
Cognitive Overload - The brain’s working memory can only actually hold a few things at once (about 4-7 pieces of info.) Hence why our brains dump things it shouldn’t (like your diaper bag) and spirals when one more tasks gets added to the rest.
Sensory Overload - Your sensory system is maxed out from constant noise, mess and touch. A 2020 study in Neuroscience and Biobehavorial Reviews found that chronic sensory overload elevates cortisol (our lovely main stress hormone) and reduces our tolerance to everyday frustrations.
Lack Of Support - A study found that moms who felt unsupported by partners or community had higher rates of anxiety, anger, and depressive symptoms. Moms aren’t meant to do this alone. But we’re praised for being martyrs and punished emotionally when we try to opt out, go figure.
According to neuroscience research, the human brain filters out “unnecessary” stimuli through a process called sensory gating. But when you’re chronically tired, anxious, or overwhelmed (hello, motherhood), your ability to filter gets weaker. Result? Everything starts feeling urgent and overwhelming, from your kid humming a Bluey song to the dog licking your foot.
You can’t pour from an empty cup—but you can throw the cup at the wall, scream into a blanket, and take a damn break. Then come back softer. Not because you should, but because you can.
3 Actionable Tips:
Reset Your Nervous System in 60 Seconds: Try the “physiological sigh” (two quick inhales, long exhale). It’s a proven way to activate the parasympathetic system and calm that fight-or-flight reflex.
Create a Calm-Down Corner (for YOU): Not just for the kids. Put some headphones, gum, lotion, or essential oil somewhere you can duck out to and regulate before reacting.
Build Micro-Regulation Into the Day: One song. One deep breath. One stretch. Don’t wait for a weekend away—you need nervous system care like hydration: often and in sips.
3. The Mental Load Is Real—And It’s Making You Snap
The mental load is the invisible, never-ending to-do list running in your head 24/7. It’s not just remembering what needs to be done—it’s anticipating it, planning for it, managing everyone’s emotions around it, and then doing it… often without credit or support.
It’s:
Noticing the toilet paper’s running low and adding it to the list
Knowing which kid needs new shoes, when their next dentist appointment is, and whether the class snack contains gluten
Keeping the birthday gifts bought, wrapped, and on time without a single soul reminding you (except maybe Amazon)
Being the one who knows where everything is, even if you didn’t touch it ("Mom, where's my favorite sock?")
Basically, you go from “I got this” to “I swear to God I will burn this house down if I have to ask someone to load the dishwasher again.”
Try to watch for the signs of your mom rage coming through, it could be:
Resenting your partner for not “just knowing” what needs to be done
Feeling like you’re nagging 24/7 and it’s still not enough
Doing 10 things before 9AM and still feeling like you’re behind
Being so tired of being “needed” that the name you wanted your kids to call you since you saw them on the ultrasound screen for the first time; makes you want to break down
4 Actionable Tips:
Offload Where You Can (Even If It’s Messy): Done is better than perfect. Delegate bedtime. Let your partner pack the damn lunch. It’s not about how it gets done, it’s about your sanity.
Daily "Resentment Checks": If you feel resentment building, it's a sign something needs to shift. Name it. Journal it. Voice it—before it combusts in yelling over the dishwasher.
Make Room for You in Your Own Life: Anger often comes from chronic self-neglect. Schedule something just for you, even if it’s 15 minutes. A regulated mom is a safer, saner one.
Name It To Tame It: Just saying it out loud “I’m carrying too much right now,” helps validate your experience. Share this with your bestie, your partner, your own mama (and pray she doesn’t laugh at you) or maybe even your therapist. Don’t downplay it, own it.
4. From Reaction to Regulation: Healing the Rage, Not Just Managing It
We’re Not Just Trying to “Calm Down”—We’re Trying to Heal What Got Us Here
Deep breathing and counting to ten can only get you so far when you’re simmering with 4 loads of laundry, three hours of sleep and two emotional volcano’s (A.K.A. my womb raiders)
Yes, managing rage is necessary in the moment (nobody wants to scream at their kid for chewing with their mouth open) but true healing means going deeper. Not just holding it in, but processing and releasing what’s underneath the rage: the exhaustion, resentment, overstimulation, loneliness, guilt, out-touched, and grief.
Emotion regulation starts in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that helps you pause before reacting (mine’s delayed a bit too, don’t worry.) So when you’re burnt out, your brain literally loses access to the tools that help you stay calm. You’re not “bad at handling stress,” you’re running on an empty tank, babes.
3 Actionable Tips:
Get Curious, Not Critical: When you feel rage, ask: “What’s this really about?” Be a detective, not a judge. Often, there's an unmet need or old wound behind it.
Repair, Don’t Ruminate: If you do lose your cool (because, hi, human), model repair. “I was overwhelmed. I’m sorry for yelling. Let’s try again.” This teaches emotional intelligence way more than perfection.
Reparent Yourself While Parenting Others: Therapy. Inner child work. Journaling. Coaching. Whatever resonates. You’re worthy of healing—not just so you don’t yell, but so you feel good existing. If no one ever modeled emotional regulation for you, give yourself some grace; you’re learning while teaching.
Action Plan: Outrage to Outlet
Pin it, print it, post it on the fridge.
1. Spot the signs early:
Ask: “Am I clenching, snapping, or spiraling?”
Scan your sensory environment: Is it too loud, messy, chaotic?
2. Check your inputs:
Did you eat?
Did you sleep?
Have you had a second to breathe?
3. Take immediate action:
Tap out. Use a code word with your partner to tag in.
Scream into a pillow or car karaoke your rage away.
Splash cold water on your face or step outside.
4. Preventative maintenance:
Schedule guilt-free alone time before you snap.
Journal or voice-note your frustrations to process them.
Talk to a therapist, support group or best friend—normalize getting help.
Rage Isn’t the Enemy—Suppression Is
Mom rage is a red flag—not that you’re failing—but that you need support, rest, and real breaks. This isn’t about becoming a serene Stepford wife. It’s about reclaiming your mental space and responding to your needs with compassion, not shame.
Your rage has a message: “I’m overwhelmed.” Let’s start listening to it before it starts screaming. Let’s stop pretending this kind of invisible labor doesn’t cost something. Let’s name our rage, honor it, and use it as a guide—not a weapon.
Because mom rage doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means you're finally hearing the parts of you that have been silenced.
And that, mama, is where your power lives.
If you found this post helpful, send this to a mom who you know or might think is struggling with this. Be sure to check out my other tips on self-care for busy moms, or browse my full collection of motherhood hacks to make life a little easier!
Thank you so much for reading, remember to follow me on all my socials and don’t forget to subscribe to my website to be the first to read my weekly blog.
If no one told you today, you are an amazing mom and I see you. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you weren’t and I am SO proud of you. Keep loving yourself too, mama.
With Love, Caitlin Nichols
