#23: How To Heal Like A Mother
(Even When the Kids Are Screaming in the Backseat)
The Chaos is Real & So is Healing
Picture this: you’re driving your SUV, one kid’s shrieking because the sun is “too bright,” and one is blowing raspberries so loud you can’t hear yourself think. Meanwhile, you’re gripping the steering wheel wondering if you’re actually healing… or just slowly losing your damn mind.
Let’s get one thing straight: healing looks nothing like those Instagram graphics in calming pastel colors. It’s messy. It’s loud. It happens in the middle of Walmart meltdowns, while you’re ugly-crying into your coffee, or while you’re half-listening to a Paw Patrol episode on loop.
But even on days that feel like a dumpster fire on wheels, progress is still happening. Healing isn’t a smooth, straight line. It’s more like a roller coaster built by a half-asleep toddler with a glue stick. And that’s okay. Because you, mama, are worthy of healing - even in the middle of chaos. Let’s talk about why it matters so much and how to keep going when the kids are screaming in the backseat.
1. Why Healing Matters for Moms - Even When It Feels Impossible
I get it. You barely have time to pee alone, let alone dive into “self-healing.” But the truth is, your healing isn’t just about you - it ripples outward to your entire family. Science tells us that maternal mental health deeply shapes how our kids learn to navigate the world. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard has stacks of research showing that when moms tend to their emotional health, kids benefit in massive ways. They become better at regulating emotions, building resilience, and feeling secure in their relationships.
And here’s another fascinating nugget: kids are emotional sponges. Psychologists call it “emotional contagion.” Our moods, our stress, our calm - it all soaks into those little humans, sometimes faster than they soak up milk from a spilled sippy cup. So working on your healing is not selfish; it’s a radical act of love for your family.
If that feels overwhelming, don’t panic. Healing doesn’t have to be some grand, dramatic overhaul. It starts small: naming your feelings instead of stuffing them down, reminding yourself that you’re worthy of more than mere survival, and grabbing five minutes alone (even if it’s locked in the bathroom pretending to poop.) These small acts are the seeds of massive change.
Realistic Helpful Tips:
Name Your Feelings Out Loud: Even if it’s whisper-screaming “I’m overwhelmed!” into your coffee mug. Putting words to emotions reduces stress and helps you stay present.
Set a Micro-Boundary: Say “no” to one thing today, whether it’s an extra school volunteer gig or making fancy dinners. Tiny boundaries = big relief.
Remind Yourself You’re Worth It: Write “I deserve peace and joy” on a sticky note and slap it somewhere you’ll see it 100 times a day (like the fridge).
Journal Prompt:“How would my motherhood feel different if I believed I deserve peace and joy—not just survival?”
2. Progress Isn’t Perfect: Ditching the All-or-Nothing Mindset
We all know that moms are notorious for falling into all-or-nothing thinking. One meltdown, and we’re convinced we’ve completely failed at life. But that’s just your brain playing mean girl on you. Cognitive behavioral research has shown that black-and-white thinking fuels anxiety and depression, keeping us stuck in shame spirals. But here’s the kicker: your brain is designed to change. Tiny, imperfect steps forward literally start rewiring neural pathways, proving to your mind that progress doesn’t have to look perfect.
Progress isn’t a gentle, smooth slide toward enlightenment. It’s messy as hell. One day you’re crushing it by packing balanced lunches, practicing deep breathing, feeling downright Zen. The next day you’re sobbing in the laundry room because you stepped on a block and forgot what day it is. That doesn’t erase your progress; it’s simply part of the journey.
Here’s what helps: look for micro-wins. Did you pause instead of snapping? Win. Did you cry but still show up for bedtime stories? Win. Did you remember to drink a glass of water before noon? Win. These tiny moments matter more than you think. Try keeping a “Proof I’m Healing” list on your phone. Even if it seems ridiculous, writing it down reminds your brain that you’re moving forward - even if it’s in a zigzag.
Realistic Micro-Winning Tips:
Keep a Tiny Wins List: Every day, jot down one thing you did right. Even “I drank water” is a win. Proof you’re still healing, even if it’s messy.
Reframe Slips as Learning: Instead of “I failed,” tell yourself, “I’m figuring this out.” It instantly softens shame spirals.
Pick One Small Action: Don’t try to overhaul your life. Just choose one healing habit today—a short walk, deep breaths, or texting a friend.
Journal Prompt:“What tiny wins have I had in the last week that prove I’m still healing—even if it’s messy?”
3. Managing Overwhelm in Real-Time: Tools for When You’re About to Snap
Some days, you simply don’t have time for hour-long yoga sessions or gratitude journaling under moonlight. Sometimes you’ve got precisely seventeen seconds before you Hulk out on the nearest innocent bystander because the kids are arguing about who got the bigger amount of BBQ twists.
Science shows that learning how to regulate your nervous system is one of the most powerful tools for managing those moments of chaos. Polyvagal theory teaches us that when we’re triggered, we slip into fight-or-flight mode. That’s why you suddenly feel like you’re vibrating out of your skin. But simple tools (like grounding techniques and breath work) can help shift your body back into a calmer state.
When you’re on the brink, try the “5-4-3-2-1” technique. Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Or simply place your hand over your chest and remind yourself, “I’m safe. This moment will pass.” And don’t underestimate the power of music: studies show music can reduce stress hormones. So blast your power song in the car, even if your kids protest that you’re “embarrassing.” Spoiler: they’ll survive one Lizzo track.
Realistic Coping Tips:
Use the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Trick: When chaos peaks, name:
5 things you see
4 things you touch
3 things you hear
2 things you smell
1 thing you taste
Boom: grounded.
2. Put a Hand on Your Chest: Physically pressing your hand over your heart signals your nervous system that you’re safe.
3. Play Your Power Anthem: Blast that one song that makes you feel unstoppable (even if the kids groan.) Science says music reduces stress hormones.
Journal Prompt:“What’s one tool I can reach for the next time I feel myself tipping into overwhelm?”
4. Permission to Rest: You’re Not Lazy, You’re Human
Repeat after me: Rest is not a luxury. It’s survival. I know the temptation to keep pushing through. The laundry mountain is threatening to collapse, the dishes are breeding new life forms, and you feel like if you pause for even a minute, everything will implode. But here’s the reality: maternal brains literally change under the strain of chronic stress and sleep deprivation. MRI studies have shown shifts in areas related to emotion regulation, memory, and decision-making. Your brain needs rest to function well for you and your family.
Rest doesn’t have to be elaborate. It might look like staring into space for five minutes while the kids watch Bluey, or zoning out on Pinterest in bed, or just closing your eyes and pretending you’ve evaporated. And guess what? That counts. Let the dishes wait. The Queen isn’t coming over.
Give yourself permission to skip one thing on your list today. Let the crumbs stay on the floor for twenty-four hours. The world won’t end. And if you need to ask for help (even if it feels awkward) know that you deserve relief. You’re not lazy. You’re a human being with limits.
Realistic Rest Tips:
Pick One Thing to Skip — Let the dishes sit. Cancel one plan. The Queen isn’t coming over, promise.
Schedule a Tiny Pause — Even 3 minutes in silence counts. Lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to.
Change Your Self-Talk — When guilt pops up, tell yourself: “Rest is how I stay strong for me and my family.”
Journal Prompt:“Where in my life can I allow myself more rest - without guilt?”
5. The Healing Village: You’re Not Meant to Do This Alone
Here’s something we all need to hear: you are not the only mom sobbing in your closet while the kids bang on the door yelling your name. The lie that we’re “the only ones struggling” keeps us stuck and isolated. But research has shown over and over that social support is one of the biggest protective factors against maternal anxiety and depression. Brené Brown’s work has taught us that vulnerability (the courage to admit we’re not okay) builds genuine connection and dissolves shame.
Your mess does not make you unworthy of love or belonging. If anything, it’s the most human part of you. And there’s a massive tribe of other moms out there feeling the same way, dying for someone to say it out loud first.
So, try this: reach out to one person this week and tell them how you’re actually doing. Skip the “I’m fine.” Or join a mom group (online or in person) where honesty is welcomed, not judged. Remember, asking for help doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. And humans heal best together.
Realistic Receiving Tips:
Be Real With One Person: Text a friend and admit how you really feel. No “I’m fine” allowed.
Join an Honest Mom Space: Whether it’s a local mom group or an online forum, find a spot where you can drop the perfect-mom act.
Accept Help Without Apologizing: If someone offers to babysit, bring food, or fold your laundry - say YES. No disclaimers needed.
Journal Prompt:“Who could I reach out to this week, just to share how I’m really feeling?”
Recap:
Why Healing Matters for Moms: Your healing isn’t just for you; it’s how your kids learn to handle big feelings and chaos without turning into tiny tornadoes. You deserve peace, and so do they.
Progress Isn’t Perfect: Healing isn’t a straight line; it’s tripping over Legos one day and feeling unstoppable the next. Celebrate the tiny wins, because they all count.
Managing Overwhelm in Real-Time: Overwhelm happens, especially when the kids are screaming about who touched who. Quick tools like breathing, grounding, or blasting your power anthem can keep you from totally losing it.
Permission to Rest: Rest isn’t lazy; it’s how you keep from burning out and rage-crying over spilled milk. Give yourself permission to pause - even if the laundry multiplies while you do.
The Healing Village: You’re not the only mom hiding in the closet with snacks. Opening up to others reminds you that healing happens faster (and feels a lot less lonely) when we do it together.
Keep Going, Mama; Even When the Kids Are Screaming
Here’s the truth, friend: healing is not linear. Some days you’ll feel like Superwoman. Other days you’ll be sobbing in the Costco parking lot while wondering if you’ll ever feel normal again. Both count as progress.
You’ve survived 100% of your hardest days so far. You’re stronger than you think. And even if your healing is happening in the middle of chaos (with kids screaming in the backseat,) it’s still happening.
So keep going. Keep choosing yourself. And remember, even on the messiest days, you’re doing the damn thing and that is nothing short of heroic.
So tell me, gorgeous - what are you gonna take away from this?
Are you gonna give yourself credit for those tiny wins instead of beating yourself up for the messy bits?
Will you let yourself rest without guilt, even if it’s just hiding in the bathroom with a candy bar?
Or maybe, finally, ask for help instead of trying to white-knuckle it alone?
Because listen: healing isn’t a destination you arrive at with perfect hair and color-coded planners. It’s a million imperfect moments where you choose to keep going, even with kids screaming in the backseat. And that, my friend, is freaking heroic.
If this hit you right in your mama heart, stick around or send it to a mama friend who needs to hear this too! Subscribe above so you don’t miss more honest, messy, hilarious truths about motherhood and healing.
And if you want to wear your truth on your sleeve (literally), check out my merch shop - it’s full of gear for unfiltered mamas who are done pretending they’ve got it all together. Because around here, we’re healing loudly, loving ourselves fiercely, and laughing our asses off along the way. You deserve nothing less.
If no one told you today, you are an amazing mom and I see you. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you weren’t and I am SO proud of you. Keep loving yourself too, mama.
With Love, Caitlin Nichols
