Confessions Of A Recovering People-Pleaser
Why It Happens, How It Hurts You, and How to Unlearn It
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “sure, I can do it” when you’re running on fumes, drowning in laundry, and silently wishing someone would swoop in with a margarita and take over bedtime - you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a sneaky habit so many moms pick up, not because we’re weak or broken, but because somewhere along the way we learned that being agreeable, helpful, and endlessly available kept the peace. It’s a survival strategy disguised as “being nice.”
But here’s the truth: people-pleasing isn’t kindness. It’s self-abandonment. It’s trading your own needs for everyone else’s comfort and then wondering why you feel resentful, exhausted, or invisible. And as heavy as that sounds, the good news is this - it’s not who you are. It’s just something you learned, which means you can unlearn it.
And before we go further, let me make one thing crystal clear: unlearning people-pleasing doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you mean. And it sure as hell doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human, honest, and healthy.
Why Moms Are Especially Vulnerable
Motherhood comes with a set of invisible rules, many of which are complete nonsense. We’re told that “good moms” are selfless, endlessly giving, and always smiling through the chaos. Our culture practically worships the image of the mom who does it all and asks for nothing in return. So it’s no wonder we pick up the script that our value is tied to how much we can juggle, how easy we are, and how rarely we complain.
Add to that the reality of invisible labor (being the one who remembers birthdays, packs the snacks, signs the permission slips, and manages the emotional climate of the whole house;) and saying “yes” can feel like the quickest way to keep things moving. Sometimes, it’s not even about wanting to help. It’s about being too exhausted to deal with the pushback that might come with saying “no.”
And for many of us, people-pleasing isn’t new. It started way back when we were kids, learning that being “good,” “quiet,” or “helpful” earned us approval. The result? As adults, we still equate saying no with being mean, disappointing, or unlovable.
The Hidden Costs of Always Saying Yes
Here’s the kicker: people-pleasing doesn’t come free. Every “yes” you give when your gut is screaming “no” takes a little piece of your energy and self-respect. Over time, those little pieces add up.
You end up carrying resentment like pebbles in your shoes - small at first, but eventually painful enough to stop you in your tracks. You leak time and energy on commitments that were never truly yours to begin with. You lose clarity on who you are and what you want, because your life has become a patchwork quilt of other people’s needs. And the longer you play the role of the agreeable one, the more people expect it, not because they’re awful, but because you’ve taught them that you’ll always bend.
Building Boundaries
One of the biggest fears about unlearning people-pleasing is that it will make us harsh or cold. But boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about making the math of your life add up. You only have so much time, energy, and capacity. If you give it all away, there’s nothing left for the things (or the people) who actually matter most.
Think of boundaries as equations, not accusations. “I can help on Saturday, but not Friday night.” “I can bring store-bought cookies, but not homemade cupcakes.” “I can carpool once a month, but not be the default driver.” Clear inputs create clean outputs. That’s not mean; it’s math.
How to Start Unlearning the Habit
The first step to breaking free from people-pleasing is to stop treating every request like a reflex. Most of us have been saying yes automatically for so long, it feels like our mouths answer before our brains even catch up.
Actionable Steps:
Start with a pause. Give yourself three seconds before responding to anything. You can say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you,” or “I’ll need to think about that.” This pause creates space for you to check in with yourself before committing.
Once you’ve created a little space, get honest about your capacity. Sit down and name your non-negotiables - the things you need in order to function, like sleep, downtime, or a little movement each day.
Then take inventory of your energy leaks. Maybe it’s being the family-trip planner, or always agreeing to last-minute favors. Circle just one leak and commit to plugging it this week. When you do say no, keep it short and kind. You don’t need a 10-minute explanation or a PowerPoint presentation.
A simple formula works: show appreciation, decline, and offer an alternative if you genuinely want to. Something like: “Thanks for thinking of me. I can’t do that right now, but I’d be happy to reschedule.” That’s it. Clear, kind, and short.
Of course, practicing boundaries feels awkward at first. So start small. Say no in low-stakes situations. Send money instead of baking. Let a text sit for a few hours. Return that item you bought but don’t love. Each of these little acts is like a rep at the gym; you’re building the muscle of self-trust.
And yes, guilt will show up. Expect it. But remember: guilt doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means you broke an old rule your brain is used to following. When guilt hits, pause, breathe, and remind yourself: “My no is kind. My needs matter. I’m safe.”
What About Pushback?
Some people will not throw you a parade when you stop people-pleasing. They may pout, push, or act disappointed. But that discomfort doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing. Their reaction is not your responsibility. And the people who love and respect you? They’ll adjust.
The more consistently you hold your boundaries, the more others will learn what to expect. Think of it like training your village. You don’t have to defend yourself with fire; just calmly repeat your limits until they stick. Over time, people realize this is simply how you move through the world now. And if they still don’t want to accept it, then maybe they’re not meant to be in your life. It says a lot more about them not accepting it, then it does for your setting it - trust me.
Teaching Your Kids By Example
Here’s the bonus: when you stop people-pleasing, you’re not just changing your life - you’re changing your kids’ lives. They’re watching you. They’re learning what it looks like to say, “I’m tired and need a break,” or “No is a full sentence.” They’re absorbing the truth that love doesn’t mean endless sacrifice, and that boundaries are a normal, healthy part of relationships. That’s one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
Recap
What People-Pleasing Really Is: People-pleasing isn’t you being “nice;” it’s you abandoning yourself to keep everyone else happy. You learned it, which means you can unlearn it.
Why Moms Are Especially Vulnerable: We’ve been spoon-fed the lie that “good moms are selfless,” and on top of that we carry the invisible labor of literally everything. No wonder we keep defaulting to yes, it feels easier than fighting.
The Hidden Costs: Every fake yes you give stacks up into resentment, burnout, and losing track of who the hell you even are anymore. It’s death by a thousand paper cuts, mama.
Boundaries Aren’t Mean, They’re Necessary: Saying no isn’t cruel; it’s just balancing the equation of your life so you’re not in the red all the damn time.
How to Start Unlearning the Habit: Slow down before blurting out yes. Get honest about what you can actually handle. Then practice tiny nos until your nervous system stops freaking out.
What About Pushback?: Yeah, people will test you - especially the ones who’ve benefited from your over-giving. But their disappointment isn’t your emergency. Let them feel it.
Teaching Your Kids By Example: Every time you set a boundary, your kids see it. You’re showing them that love isn’t about being a doormat and that no is a complete sentence.
10 Gentle Reminders
Your needs are human, not negotiable.
Every “no” protects the value of your “yes.”
Guilt is just a leftover habit, not a verdict.
You’re allowed to disappoint others without abandoning yourself.
You can be kind and unavailable at the same time.
Clarity is kinder than a resentful yes.
Boundaries don’t push love away; they protect it.
You train people how to treat you by what you allow.
Accountability Assignment
This week, choose one area of your life where you’ve been people-pleasing and make a small change. Maybe you let yourself pause before responding to requests. Maybe you decline something that drains you. Maybe you send the store-bought cookies instead of baking. Write your script in advance, practice it, and actually use it. Then notice how you feel afterward - was it guilt, relief, freedom, pride? Pay attention.
And if you’re ready, share this post with another mama who needs the reminder that she can be loving and boundaried at the same time. Let’s hold each other accountable to stop shrinking and start standing tall.
If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out my other tips on self-care for busy moms, or browse my full collection of motherhood hacks to make life a little easier! Thank you so much for reading, remember to follow me on all my socials and don’t forget to subscribe to my website to be the first to read my weekly blog.
If no one told you today, you are an amazing mom and I see you. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you weren’t and I am SO proud of you. Keep loving yourself too, mama.
With Love, Caitlin Nichols
